SELF-SABOTAGING BEHAVIOURS AND HOW TO OVERCOME THEM


Check yourself before you wreck yourself!

Sometimes we make mistakes because mistakes are inevitable, no matter how much time and thought you put into a plan. Other blunders are the result of laziness, rashness, inflexibility or plain arrogance. Honest mistakes can be costly and are very frustrating, but mindless and avoidable errors are especially very expensive and gut ranching. The knowledge that a misstep could have been avoided is the bane of every thoughtful person.

Usually when plans don’t go well, you point a finger at other people and find someone else to blame. But a thoughtful person owns the mistakes and seeks to learn from them so as to avert them in the future. This often requires honest self-appraisal and internal inspection which eventually will help you to recognize your own thought patterns and change them before they cause bad behaviours or negative results. There are common behavioural patterns that you inflict on yourself and they are forming roadblocks and even insurmountable mountains in your progress and development in life. Over the next few weeks, we shall be looking at 5 of such self-sabotaging behaviours starting this week with “comparing yourself with another person.”

Comparing Yourself to Others

Life and the society are hyper-competitive and can batter and bruise even the healthiest egos. But the damage is exacerbated when you constantly measure yourself by other people’s standards. While it’s undeniably important to be aware of what the competition is doing, but too much focus on others is bad for business and worse for self-confidence. To maximize success, sometimes we must tune out and lock the door to the outside world so as to focus on improving our self.

When you see yourself as your “chief competitor”, and work to better the yesterday’s version of yourself, you will go far and eventually learn to turn a blind eye and deaf ear to illusive rivalries. You have your race to run and you cannot live your life on other people’s agenda and purpose. We are all human beings but your destiny and purpose in life is different. Comparing yourself to others will only make you vain or bitter because your true identity and capability will only be revealed in your lane and purpose.

Comparing yourself with others is an insult to your own being because it limits you to only reaching their level, but when you compete with yourself, you will reach your highest level potential and your best.

Many people cannot look at themselves in the mirror and smile, because on the road to “Rise and Shine”, while comparing themselves to others and living someone else’s life they somehow lost themselves. In order to shine in the eyes of other people, they became blind to themselves. Comparison can easily grow out of objective reasoning to negative thought patterns such as suspicion, judgmental attitude, resentment sadness, self-hatred, envy, bitterness, ungratefulness, and unfriendly rivalry. Each person has a distinctive personality and a unique appearance, and that is what made them special and one of a kind.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

  1. Recognize your differences.

Most people compare their weaknesses to other people’s strength! Their insides with others’ outsides; what they haven’t accomplished with what others have – including people who have a huge head start on them!

Whenever you notice yourself comparing yourself with another person, take a moment to remind yourself that you are good enough just as you are, even if you don’t have something you see in those around you such as business success, academic credentials, wonderful home, hot body, celebrity social life or high-achieving kids. They are very likely looking at something you have or do well, and wishing they did, too.

  1. Avoid your triggers.

Social media such as Facebook can trigger depression as people compare their lives with those of their increasingly expansive online network of “friends.” But remember, people can photo shop their postings by highlighting the good and leaving out the not-so-pretty parts. So if Facebook feed makes you feel miserable about yourself, then log off or take a social media sabbatical.

  1. Focus on your own progress.

Research have shown that the happiest people are not just those who make positive comparisons with others, but include those who don’t make any. Instead, they focus on their efforts to improve themselves. Imagine the difference it would make if you re-channelled all the energy you’ve expended comparing yourself into bettering yourself. You are your ultimate frame of reference, so track yourself against yourself.

  1. Admit your envy.

The emotions we don’t own will own us. So if you’re wrestling with the envy, the best way to loosen its grip is to acknowledge and verbalise it. You might feel a bit foolish by admitting you’re jealous of someone else’s success, talents or attributes but having the courage to admit it can be liberating. Not only that, but by having the courage to confide in the person you’re envious of, can forge bonds in ways harbouring hidden envy never can.

  1. Get off your own back.

You might think you’re the only person who ever struggles with feeling like you’re constantly falling short of your expectations, but the truth is that many people have made self-criticism an art by habitually focusing on what they haven’t done as well as what they would like rather than on all that they have. Imagine the difference it could make if you focused on what you did well? Imagine how much better you could channel your energy if you weren’t always pulling yourself down and marking yourself wrong.

Also, don’t beat yourself up when you catch yourself making comparisons because it will only fan the “I’m not enough” flames. Instead, try being kinder to yourself; accept your own humanity, fallibility and vulnerability. As a bonus, it makes you more forgiving of others’ failings, too.

The truth is that we all have our own fears to overcome, burdens to carry, gifts to share and lessons to learn. So run your own race and focus on doing the best you can with what you’ve got. The rest will take care of itself.

#BecomeaBetterMan

 

 

 

 

 

Assertiveness – The Golden Mean Between Passivity and Aggression – 2


how_assertive_wordle__11578.1398275970.1280.1280How to Be More Assertive

  1. Creating the Assertive Mindset

In my experience, becoming more assertive first requires you to change your mindset. You need to get rid of any limiting or incorrect beliefs that are holding you back from being assertive. Here are a few suggestions to get your mindset in the right place.

  1. Set boundaries. 

The first step in becoming less of a pushover is establishing boundaries. Boundaries are rules and limits that a man creates for himself that guide and direct others as to what’s permissible behavior around him. Passive men typically have no boundaries and allow others to walk all over them.

Men’s counselor and author Wayne Levine calls boundaries N.U.Ts, or Non-negotiable,Unalterable Terms. Your N.U.Ts are the things you’re committed to: your family, your health, your faith, your hobbies, your psychological well-being, etc. According to Levine, “N.U.T.s are the boundaries that define you as man, those things which, if repeatedly compromised, will gradually—but assuredly—turn you into a resentful man.” If you don’t know what your N.U.Ts are, take some time to figure it out. Once you do, make a commitment from here on out that you’ll never compromise them.

  1. Take responsibility for your own problems. 

Nice Guys wait around for someone else to fix their problems. An assertive man understands that his problems are his responsibility.  If you see something that needs changing in your life, take action. If you’re not happy with something in your life, start taking steps — however small — to change things.

  1. Don’t expect people to read your mind. 

Nice Guys expect others to recognize what they need and want without having to say a word. Until a mass mutation occurs that allows telepathy or our brains become connected to the Borg, mind reading isn’t possible for the foreseeable future. If you want something, say it; if something bothers you, speak up. Never assume that people know your every need or want. It’s not as obvious as you may think.

  1. Understand you’re not in charge of how others feel or behave. 

Both passive and aggressive men share a similar problem: they both think they’re in charge of how others feel or behave — they just go about it differently. An aggressive man assumes responsibility of others’ behavior and emotions by exerting his will through physical, mental, and emotional force. A passive man assumes responsibility of others’ behavior by constantly submitting his will to the will of others.

Passive men feel it’s their job to make sure everyone is happy, even if that means they themselves are miserable. An assertive man recognizes that it’s not his job to control or worry about others’ behavior and that he’s only responsible for how he behaves and feels. You won’t believe how much less stress and anxiety you’ll feel once you understand this. You’ll no longer spend wasted hours wringing your hands worrying about whether someone will be happy with your choice or opinion. This isn’t to say that you should be an inconsiderate jerk and shouldn’t take into account the feelings/situations of others. It just means you don’t need to go overboard and be so overly considerate that you don’t make any requests or stand up for your values lest you upset or offend someone. Let them decide whether to be upset or offended. That’s their responsibility, not yours.

  1. You are responsible for the consequences of your assertive words/actions. 

Asserting yourself will likely ruffle feathers, and there might be unpleasant consequences. But part of being assertive is taking responsibility for those consequences, come what may. Dealing with those consequences is far better than dealing with those of living an anxious, thwarted life.

  1. Assertiveness takes time.

Don’t think you’ll magically become assertive simply by reading this article. Assertiveness takes time and practice. You’ll have good days and bad days. Just be persistent with your efforts; it will pay off.

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Assertiveness in Action

Once you have the mindset, here’s how to actually start being assertive.

  1. Start small. 

If the thought of standing up for yourself makes you downright nauseous, start with low-risk situations. For example, if you order a burger, and the waiter brings you a grilled cheese, let him know the mistake and send it back. If you’re out running errands on the weekend with your wife and are trying to decide on a place to eat, don’t just automatically defer, but chime in as to where you’d like to go. Once you feel comfortable in these low-risk situations, start upping the ante little by little.

  1. Say no. 

In your quest to become more assertive, “no” is your best friend. Start saying no more often. Does a request conflict with a personal boundary? Say no. Schedule already full? Say “No, gracias.” You don’t have to be a jerk when you do it. It’s possible to be firm and resolute with your no while being considerate. At first, saying no may make you very anxious, but eventually it will come to feel good, and actually quite freeing. Will some people be disappointed when you turn them down? Probably. But remember that as long as you express your needs in a considerate way, you’re not responsible for their reaction. No need to feel guilty for treating yourself like their equal.

  1. Be simple and direct. 

When you’re asserting yourself, less is more. Keep your requests and preferences simple and direct. No need for elaborate explanations or meandering wind-ups. Just politely say your piece.

  1. Use “I” statements. 

When making a request or expressing disapproval use “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You‘re so inconsiderate. You have no idea how hard my day at the office was. Why would you ask me to do all these chores?” say, “I’m exhausted today. I understand you want these things done, but I’m not going to be able to get to them until tomorrow.” Other examples of “I” statements:

  • “You’re so needy and controlling.” “I feel frustrated when you make me feel guilty for hanging out with my friends.”
  • “You always humiliate me when we visit your parents.” “I feel embarrassed when you insult me in front of your folks.”
  • “Your demands are unreasonable!” “I’d prefer that you give me at least three days’ notice before asking me to come in on the weekend.”

When crafting your “I” statements, be careful not to embed accusations or try to interpret the person’s behavior. That will just make them defensive and cause them to shut down. Examples:

  • “I feel like you’re purposely being a jagweed just to get on my nerves.”
  • “I think you’re trying to pick a fight.”
  1. Don’t apologize or feel guilty for expressing a need/want/right. 

Unless you’re asking for something that’s patently unreasonable, there’s no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for expressing a need or want. So quit apologizing when you make a request. Just politely ask for it and wait to see how the other person responds. Nice Guys will feel guilty even when expressing dissatisfaction with something they’re paying for! If a contractor hasn’t done the work he agreed to do, it’s your right to ask that it be fixed. It has nothing to do with being polite or not hurting his feelings – it’s just business and that’s how it works.

  1. Use confident body language and tone. 

Look confident when making a request or stating a preference. Stand up straight, lean in a bit, smile or keep a neutral facial expression, and look the person in the eye. Also be sure to speak clearly and loudly enough to make your point. Passive folks will tend to whisper and mumble when making their opinions or needs known; that will only serve to frustrate the other person.

 

Courtesy of: http://www.artofmanliness.com

Assertiveness – The Golden Mean Between Passivity and Aggression – 1


 

being-assertive

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scenarios:

a. Your boss consistently asks you at the last minute to come into work on the weekend. You say “yes” every time even though you have family plans. You stew with resentment as you pore over TPS reports on a Saturday.

b. You order an expensive steak at a restaurant, but when the waiter brings it to you it’s way over-cooked. When he asks, “How is everything?” you respond, “Fine,” while you glumly saw your charred hunk of meat. 

c. You want to take a jiu-jitsu class, but you don’t think your wife will be too happy with you spending an hour or two every week away from your family, so don’t you even mention the idea to her.

d. Your neighbor lets his dogs bark all night, and it’s keeping you from sleep. Instead of talking to him about it, you bad-mouth him to your friends on Facebook.

If any of these situations hits close to home, then you’re likely one of the legions of men who suffer from “Nice Guy Syndrome”  Nice Guys take a passive approach to life and relationships. Instead of standing up for themselves, they let others walk all over them. They’re pushovers and perennial People Pleasers. Nice Guys have a hard time saying no to requests — even unreasonable ones. They’re considerate to a fault. When they want or need something, they’re afraid to ask for it because they don’t want to inconvenience others. Nice Guys also avoid conflict like the plague. They’d rather get along than get ahead.

 

At first blush, Nice Guys seem like saints. They appear generous, flexible, and extremely polite. But if you scratch beneath the surface, you’ll often find a helpless, anxious, and resentful core. Nice Guys are often filled with anxiety because their self-worth depends on the approval of others and getting everyone to like them. They waste a lot of time trying to figure out how to say no to people and even then, often end up still saying yes, because they can’t go through with it. They don’t feel they can go after their true desires, because they’re locked into doing what others say they should do because “go with the flow” is their default approach to life, Nice Guys have little control over their lives and consequently feel helpless, shiftless, and stuck. They’re also typically resentful and vindictive because their unspoken needs aren’t being met and they feel like others are always taking advantage of them – even though they’re the ones who allow it to happen.

In worst-case scenarios, the Nice Guy’s pent-up resentment from being pushed around will result in unexpected outbursts of anger and violence. He’s a volcano waiting to erupt.

So what’s a Nice Guy to do? How can he regain some control over his life and quit being such a pushover?

Some Nice Guys think the solution is to swing to the other extreme and go from being passive to aggressive. Instead of meekly submitting, they feel like they have to dominate in every situation. Aggressiveness, while definitely appropriate in some instances, particularly those involving out-and-out competition, isn’t a very productive communication or behavior style in most cases. In fact, using a persistent, aggressive communication style can often backfire by creating resentment and passive-aggressive behavior in the very people you’re trying to control.

Instead of passivity and aggressiveness, the best approach lies somewhere between the two. The sweet spot for communication and behavior is called assertiveness.

Control and assertveness

You might associate the term “assertiveness” with training courses that women take to learn to be more confident in traditionally masculine workplaces. But in the past few decades, as men have been taught to smooth over their rough edges — to be less pushy, more sensitive, and more collaborative — a lot of guys have gotten confused as to where to draw the line between aggression and passivity. Anxious to not come off as overbearing, and even sexist, they tend to err on the side of the latter. They’ve lost the ability to navigate between those two rocky shoals, and as a result, many men need to learn, or re-learn, how to be assertive.

What does it mean to be assertive?

Assertiveness is an interpersonal skill in which you demonstrate healthy confidence and are able to stand up for yourself and your rights, while respecting the rights of others. When you’re assertive, you are direct and honest with people. You don’t beat around the bush or expect people to read your mind about what you want. If something is bothering you, you speak up; if you want or need something, you ask. You do all this while maintaining a calm and civil demeanor.

Assertiveness also requires an understanding that while you can make a request or state an opinion, others are well within their right to say no or disagree. You don’t get upset or angry when that happens. You stay in control and work to come to some sort of compromise. When you’re assertive, you understand that you might not get what you want but you will learn that it not only doesn’t hurt to ask, but actually helps to ask as well.

The Benefits of Assertiveness

  1. Your relationships will improve. 

Researchers who study marriage and relationships have found that assertiveness is one of the key attributes that both partners need in order for a relationship to be strong and healthy. If one person feels they aren’t getting their needs met, resentment for their partner ensues (even if it’s the person’s fault for not letting their needs to be known).

  1. You’ll feel less stressed.

When you’re assertive, you say no to requests that would otherwise spread you too thin. You also lose the anxiety and worry that comes with being overly pre-occupied with what others will think of your choices, preferences, requests or opinions. You feel in control of your life. Studies have shown that individuals who undergo assertiveness training experience less stress than individuals who don’t.

  1. You’ll gain confidence. 

When you’re assertive, you have an internal locus of control. Your attitude and behavior are governed by your own actions or decisions, not the actions and decisions of others. Knowing that you can make changes to improve your own situation is a big-time confidence booster.

  1. You’ll become less resentful. 

As you become more assertive, your relationships will become more enjoyable. You’ll no longer have to swallow the bitter pill of resentment when you say yes to a request or decide to do a favor for someone. When you do something, you do it because you actually want to do it, or you’re okay with doing it as part of the natural give and take of relationships.

how_assertive_wordle__11578.1398275970.1280.1280

 

 

 

 

 

Courtesy of: http://www.artofmanliness.com